I have finally cut the chord

I have severed the thread that bound our lives so closely,

fought the feeling that our destinies were tied into eternity,

Life rooted, revolving, foot steps ebbing in and out of that house,

those winding stairs passing rows of grimy tiles, the residential areas of dislocation, unwinding, unraveling of everything.

Of cloth, morality, will to live.

Accepting the love we think we deserve

life almost ended in the moment we met.

Will, his destruction, pulling all the mess and pain into a single point of gravity,

Almost abandoned myself in the back alley of forever dark littered streets.

Staying spelled the end of futures, a feeling I knew but couldn’t understand, couldn’t believed, cried into the crook of my elbows on public buses, into the darkness of my room, in between the sheets of ache and desire and the pain of another broken soul.

Almost gave up everything – all that I can be, will be for one man – no, one boy, one selfish monster.

I forgive him, one person.

I’m leaving him forever,

leaving a world so familiar to the abusive shades that also colour my sky.

And even if he dies, I will not look back.

I will fight to protect my heart, the hole I am tearing open to let the sunshine in.

I will never let him back in.

I will never let him in.

I want to kill the possibility of his existence,

I want to destroy

I want to kill him before I kill me

the feeling of absolute terror and psychosis rises and slowly ebbs in my throat

No, I will not. I will always keep a firm grip on this world, on this reality, on the pieces of identity scattering and pulling away

I will always keep myself together, hold sway. Live in the negativity, in the absence

trade authenticity and self-destruction for a shot at holding my life, holding authority over my body.

And on the day I die, all the fun and all recklessness I gave up would be worth all the cuts left


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