Growing Up

Why am i such a mess. Why do i keep causing hurt wherever i go? Why do i keep hurting the people i love. 

When will i stop leaving this trail of inauthenticity and awkwardness 

 

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On Monsters

Sometimes do you feel scared and worried that theres something lurking behind you or those flashbacks of scary movies and scary pictures.

  1. breathe. its evolution to be sacred of these kind of things.
  2. isn’t it important to note how our minds often capture these bad memories or bad things more :)we should work on remembering the good things stronger instead. cuz these bad memories really do not good for us. not to mention why not just live in the present moment instead ❤
  3. we often imagine the unknown/people/things we don’t like to be uglier worse, more despicable than they really are. this is a biased world view and also reveals how we exaggerate and let hate take control of us and blind us.

So have compassion. these monsters, these people we don’t like, always know you are making them worse than they really are.

**p.s. but there are such a thing as toxic people out there and so if you do meet one PLEASE!! TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. you will help others by helping yourself.

and protecting yourself is super important ❤

leave a bad person. let good people enter your life.

you can do it!!

I believe in you.

Wealthy

Don’t live in the poverty of what you lack, 

But in the joyful abundance of all the things that you have. 

And you have excess – you have

Lips to smile, love to give, life to live. 

You have,  

a head on your shoulders to learn, 

a courage in your chest to grow

And people in the world to help

Confessionals

I admit it.

I admit to all my sins,

to all the little thoughts

to all the slight beating of my heart when hell confers me some sweet dark joy by admitting another.

I admit to using others – to patch my wounds, to heal my insecurity

the loss in this reality.

i have effaced the name of friendship.

to call me a friend!

I admit to the worthless being that is myself- even right down to this last line, thirsting for the sympathy i don’t deserve

manipulation

hell

Not today

No, not today.

Falling into the chasm of regret

pain over my insecure fickle existence?

Re-schedule that.

Not today.

 

 

Cryst

Tears –
No im not melodramatic, self-abosrobed,indulgent

No, i’m not crying for myself when i hear your story –

I’m crying for all the times i couldn’t and wouldn’t be there,

I’m crying for all the pain i can’t shoulder for you instead 

Solidly there

Cold  unfeeling,

Able. I’m able to live this life alone.

Carry strength to the grave.

Meet the gaze of strangers passing for a fleeting moment with the cool incompetence of impenetrability.

Like glass.

An ode to Clarissa Dalloway

There’s something cold within me, something dead inside my soul

-I used to think

No. Not dead, just cool quiet, evening sunlight sifting through leaves,

Wind on wood – still supple

Young and pliable without a smile on my lips

Dear Clarissa, thank you for not killing yourself.

Dear Virginia, thank you for leaving us something that would last past the eternity of your death.

just a conceit

I am a bitch

You will soon notice –

Potential hope dashed

And it will sting when you notice-and you’ll do. 

But i understand why you close the door, sometimes i do it for you. 

Afraid. 

I am so hurtful, conceited for my pride for not wanting to be hurt