just leave me alone

i regret leaving those

lines,

penning those tiny rivers into my skin

stress

 

even then how much

will i even change how much do i want to

i can barely deal with this –

the rage, it consumes

i cant live as me

no, i dont have the courage not when so much of me is just

an expression of hate and anger

a cut for every time

i break the last and only promise i’ll make:

i’ll never hurt anyone else

 

 

oh the world is only made so much more dramatic by you

you think your grief is that great? haha letit go

you can have peace if you want it

please pick the rational option

be happy and peaceful

have down times and be ok with that

well and let your friends support you and do so

and be the best version of yourself

i really hate the lines above

i really hate how i’m being silly at every second

i hate this

i hate everything

i hate how i could get better but im not doing it

 

please god save me from salvation

save me from the pressure of getting better

melodramatic bitch

 

connected

i crave people

i crave connection

and yet

maybe secretly at the back of my mind,

i doubt that the only one i have

is a facsimile,

is a gift to an undeserving

the emotional labourer

i need you to give me space,

i need you to know you’re only 1 of the 200 people i talk to

that i need

because sometimes im scared to just be with one person

it’ll drive me nuts, the test of quality

i rather have quantity,

safety in a vainity of numbers that

do not care

 

 

independence

i need independence

i crave to be accountable to no one

under the burden of friendship

i can barely lift my head to breathe

scuttle away to live shyly

worried to make the other sad i

live

a half life

unable to celebrate accomplishments,

afraid to be away and happy

 

this has to stop

i’ve lived like this for too long

binge eating

Eating into a frenzy

eating into a fever

eating – hand to food to mouth

cyclical continual

it’s not shame

it’s wanting to stop so badly

it’s feeling your throat crawl

but the chemicals and exhaustion urging you on

hoping that with each frantic

somehow distraction to whatever that would’t go away