it’s the little things

like the way you look

when you stumble out from a long nap

frowning confused

like a little child

or

telling me your secrets in a small voice,

looking slightly ashamed

or saying it in a different language

just because.

or holding my hands lightly

the brief moments where you fold your head in

to cup me against your neck.

your shirt slightly creased.

why is it that

i find myself nervously and slightly scared and slightly – very uncomfortable

and yet

those few seconds when i catch you

after a long day without you and

it suddenly hits me – the freshness of your profile

falling for your bestfriend –

i’ve been there before

for those few seconds when you forget,you leave yourself for a moment and can’t help

but watch him from the corner of your eyes

you’ve seen him for the longest time but  you’ve never noticed how

striding over, the height,

the feeling of safety because he’s an adult.

and how clearly you can picture lying next to him

late at night

and his voice saying

‘okay’, his eyes closing

soft gentle acceptance and snuggling closer,

being pulled towards

to those handsome features

resting in sleep,

within those broad shoulders and biceps

and i just want to say this  – i think i love you

but i don’t think i’ll ever deserve your innocence.

and there’s something within me that makes

me so scared

and stressed about all

or any of this

i just want, to kiss you drunk

i just want to let go of this clasp of tension that i’m wearing

i’m not sure i want to do that

but why is it

that for the worst of reasons – the lack of one

i want you.

platonically. fully.

 

2011

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