diffidence

at first it was indifference
at first, it was i do not need love.
whatever the costs of letting you into my heart
was never worth half of my illusions of self- control and the empty pride i held onto
and now it is patchily fighting for believes
about self respect and wanting the rest back
2 halves of the same whole
it’s hard to reconcile both and yet
i cannot inhabit the fantasies of one – not having the skins and courage
and the innocence of the other – having (too much) pride and spirit
and all at once only in a deep dark room
or in the split moments in
an ex lovers embrace,
imagination, re-imagination
do bits of that self spill
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