trust

it feels so strange that people trust

me

feel that they can tell me what’s inside!

but i’m scared because

i’m not good at it

i’m not used to, i dont know what to do

with bridges

how to walk them and cross them and somehow they just

crumble a little

after a while,

do they sense that im just a facsimile?

age

someone slightly older

someone slightly younger

a little strange a little confusing

a little flattering but a huge wish

that it would not happen

hahaha

watermelons

the warmth of being cared for

not knowing until it’s a therefor

piecing the small little things

 

a bowl of watermelons

close to you

the little things your classmates do for you

🙂

 

sultan bringing a bowl of watermelons for me day 2 of orietation without me even knowing or asking until the end of the meal!

Calm

​Today i decided to get to the root of a panic attack and i realise – the triggers are quite common. This one happened to be a mix of when theres a situation supposed social happiness but i just am really fundamentally so scared of it and at the same time im looking at another situation of  emotional hurt, aggression and sadness inflicted by others.
I dont know how to resolve it. But here are some things that i emerged with and im holding onto them trembling.

1. Its ok. Its all ok

Social goods – social situations where you feel like youre at fault for not saying the right thing, doijg the right thing, being the right thing and being happy and hence causing everyone to be upset or less happy and like you less,

Its all ok

Its ok to not be happy

Dont worry. Dont worry. Okay people. Dont blame yourself. It doesnt matter. Its ok.

It may be all my fault that things arent as shiny as they could be and thats ok

Its not worth taking your life. Its not worth hurting yourself over it.

It is all okay.

I forgive you and thats all you need in this whole wide world

2. On love – 

Its the lowest and your worst and somehow that person who ‘loves’ you and is trying to care for you and get to you and cheer you up and love yoy
Its ok

Just step away 

Its ok to feel even more triggered 

Becaause yknow why? We’ve been conditioned to feel like social/attempts to make us feel better need to be rewarded by us feeling healed and feeling better

And its ok if it doesnt 

Its ok if you dont feel better 

You’re ok

I love you. Its ok that 

You cant even begin to trust or understand what the other person is saying

And that his claims of care mean next to nothing because you cant feel it and you dont even know what it is all about.

Your walls are up

A d thats okay

They can stay up

shirin, i love you and i care for you 

Calm down you’re fine 

You’ll be ok

You”ll be fine.

Breathe.  Breathe

Thats right keep those thoughts at bay.

Hold it. Yep hold it.

Today i decided to get to the root of a panic attack and i realise – the triggers are quite common. This one happened to be a mix of when theres a situation supposed social happiness but i just am really fundamentally so scared of it and at the same time im looking at another situation of  emotional hurt, aggression and sadness inflicted by others.
I dont know how to resolve it. But here are some things that i emerged with and im holding onto them trembling.

1. Its ok. Its all ok

Social goods – social situations where you feel like youre at fault for not saying the right thing, doijg the right thing, being the right thing and being happy and hence causing everyone to be upset or less happy and like you less,

Its all ok

Its ok to not be happy

Dont worry. Dont worry. Okay people. Dont blame yourself. It doesnt matter. Its ok.

It may be all my fault that things arent as shiny as they could be and thats ok

Its not worth taking your life. Its not worth hurting yourself over it.

It is all okay.

I forgive you and thats all you need in this whole wide world

2. On love – 

Its the lowest and your worst and somehow that person who ‘loves’ you and is trying to care for you and get to you and cheer you up and love yoy
Its ok

Just step away 

Its ok to feel even more triggered 

Becaause yknow why? We’ve been conditioned to feel like social/attempts to make us feel better need to be rewarded by us feeling healed and feeling better

And its ok if it doesnt 

Its ok if you dont feel better 

You’re ok

I love you. Its ok that 

You cant even begin to trust or understand what the other person is saying

And that his claims of care mean next to nothing because you cant feel it and you dont even know what it is all about.

Your walls are up

A d thats okay

They can stay up

shirin, i love you and i care for you 

Calm down you’re fine 

You’ll be ok

You”ll be fine.

Breathe.  Breathe

Thats right keep those thoughts at bay.

Hold it. Yep hold it.

Incompatibilities

Lets talk about incompatibilities between people

When shes the type a agreessive go it alone does what she wants person

And youre looking up at the stars tumbling over the things you could say to another

But remember its okay because you’re different universes and for once that separation brings beauty

🙂

Trust Issues

And  heres why its so difficult to say i love you to you – ‘ ‘ 

Because where were you in all those times i was at my lowest?

Who was really there for me when i was on my knees?

ME.

Thats right me.

I was there for myself. I pulled myself through shit.

I am alive today, i am me today, i am fighting to be happy to day because of me. Thanks to me. Not you, supposed claimer of being ‘my’ ”love”.

Yknow who else was there? My  best/good/friends 

And how were they there? They were always in my heart. 

What another means

 

A note to self about the things ive learnt thus far 🙂

Dont think of others and what they think or what they should do for you when youre hurt to make you feel better.

Think of you. Yourself. What you can do to make others feel better.

Never get comfortable and assume.

Other people, they’re a whole universe on their own.

A whole separate unknown, separate from you.

And finding connection is bridging that distance

Letting go and moving on

The thing about growing up in a matrix of hurt and abuse – even if mixed in a softened by nruture, love and protection
Is that despite the irrationality of violence and anger

Somehow it was safe -predictable. Consistent. That feeling of hurt and pain. That was a known consistent. You didnt need to know when it was coming. When it comes at any illogical sudden point, it feels exactly the same

It feels familiar.