improvement has always been the touchiest thing for me.
i want to improve, i want to get better and i often end up struggling with myself and my pride, crying and hating myself. forcing myself. forcing myself to be happy to improve, happy while improving.
is it a pride thing? perhaps, probably.
but i guess its also having parents who constantly hurt me for being weak. maybe not constantly. and definitely not intentionally.
it’s also having an extremely dis-empowering growing up experience where as well intentioned and well resultant it was i lost all and every sense of control and sometimes self worth.
it’s also being stubborn and prideful by nature.
it’s hard to differentiate these 2 strands but at 18 im finally able to see which is my fault and which isnt. which i can forgive myself for and which i can let go of.
and sometimes i really hate it. i really hate that i catch on to the bad things – to the hidden meanings- perhaps non existent and definitely non malicious. i latch on like a leech to the things, the words that hurt me that disempower and i make it into such a big deal -i let it anger me, i let things that dont exist be conjured.i react so badly to life and people
its always a everything or nothing – not nothing actually, deep anger, lashing out, resentment.
i guard these awful tendencies closely, people dont need to see them. and i punish myself for feeling those things secretly. i dont need to have them.
even when people say nice things to me, i find a way to see the negatives. i hate this. i hate myself for doing that. i’m so angry, upset and distressed all rolled into one.
i hate myself for being upset haha what an ugly ugly vicious cycle.
i cant feel love because i always strangle it.
but maybe its not me. maybe its not about me. maybe its about me being unable to even respect and love myself.
maybe its me taking out that insecurity and seeing it manifested in my inability to see the good in things.
its also me wanting to just be good enough. to not need to keep struggling.
maybe its also being scared. because i feel like being vulnerable is so humiliating. and the revulsion others would see in that and in me would make them leave.
i dont know how to react to the flaws of other people too. i dont know how to deal with myself as human. i dont know how to forgive.
- but its ok im learning. with awareness comes opportunities to learn and be a better person