to just be me
im just a paranoid, sensitive, insecure bitch.
lets try not to be like that okay?
lets try to be a happy, peaceful, contented inspired snirrh
improvement has always been the touchiest thing for me.
i want to improve, i want to get better and i often end up struggling with myself and my pride, crying and hating myself. forcing myself. forcing myself to be happy to improve, happy while improving.
is it a pride thing? perhaps, probably.
but i guess its also having parents who constantly hurt me for being weak. maybe not constantly. and definitely not intentionally.
it’s also having an extremely dis-empowering growing up experience where as well intentioned and well resultant it was i lost all and every sense of control and sometimes self worth.
it’s also being stubborn and prideful by nature.
it’s hard to differentiate these 2 strands but at 18 im finally able to see which is my fault and which isnt. which i can forgive myself for and which i can let go of.
and sometimes i really hate it. i really hate that i catch on to the bad things – to the hidden meanings- perhaps non existent and definitely non malicious. i latch on like a leech to the things, the words that hurt me that disempower and i make it into such a big deal -i let it anger me, i let things that dont exist be conjured.i react so badly to life and people
its always a everything or nothing – not nothing actually, deep anger, lashing out, resentment.
i guard these awful tendencies closely, people dont need to see them. and i punish myself for feeling those things secretly. i dont need to have them.
even when people say nice things to me, i find a way to see the negatives. i hate this. i hate myself for doing that. i’m so angry, upset and distressed all rolled into one.
i hate myself for being upset haha what an ugly ugly vicious cycle.
i cant feel love because i always strangle it.
but maybe its not me. maybe its not about me. maybe its about me being unable to even respect and love myself.
maybe its me taking out that insecurity and seeing it manifested in my inability to see the good in things.
its also me wanting to just be good enough. to not need to keep struggling.
maybe its also being scared. because i feel like being vulnerable is so humiliating. and the revulsion others would see in that and in me would make them leave.
i dont know how to react to the flaws of other people too. i dont know how to deal with myself as human. i dont know how to forgive.
- but its ok im learning. with awareness comes opportunities to learn and be a better person
” debates can bring out the worst in people”
it’s like a truth. i heard it in a casual conversation i was having as i sat in the room for adjudicators awaiting their rounds. as a senior returning to the nationals as a judge it felt so strange. nationals was always more than just a competition. debating was always more than just an after school activity. each had come to take on a life of its own, deep symbolism and dynamics deeply peculiar to itself.
looking back i can see some of the ugly sides of me, my insecurities, my fears, the things i regret connected deeply to me debating career – and more accurately connected to the experiences of going through life, confronting things and growing.
debates brings out the worst in you, it can kill friendship but it ends there only if we let it.
i guess the question then is why is debates so good at giving us a raw insight into ourselves, a snapshot of how people really are like.
first things first, debating isnt debates. debating is a subset of debates. debates involves her community, her politics, her aspirations. theres good and bad all mixed into one and all revealed, accessed and experienced by the individual based on her person.
one reason that experiences connected to it can be so painful is – insecurity.
a common characteristic of many debaters is deep fascination and enjoyment of intellectual things, the nerd things- usually the kind that involves a little bit of aggressiveness and righteousness ( we’re all nice people off the floor, its just a little fun!)
but the darker side of that is wanting to be valued for that, to be respected as a person. maybe we connect too much of our self worth with our abilities to perform- we always do. and its so painful when we fall short – you could say try harder! dont give up! ive tried being optimistic but its not just the disappointment of not performing in an activity sometimes it feels like the disappointment of being yourself.
being able to understand this and understand the insecurities actually at play made things so much easier for me, i found peace and i found a renewed ability to love the sport for what it really is without getting dragged down.
think about the world as a point system. you start from a certain level and build yourself up by proving yourself. it could be proving youre a mature person, a smart person, a responsible citizen.
then think about debates as everyone starts of at a high level, a certain benchmark. if youre a debater, it automatically start of with higher expectations – and then you drop. you drop with mistakes and personal imperfections coming to light. hence my love hate relationship with debating – i love the fun of it , i love that people dont patronise you, i love that people start off treating each other with esteem.
but theres always the other side of the coin huh?
i’ve only ever been able to write from the heart when i was hurt, angry, scared. writing at any other times was futile, i attempted creative writing -it turned out trite, pretentious, removed. i tried academic writing – i had little purpose, opinion, need.
hence writing became something activated when the ugly side of me was scorched and touched, i envied writers who wrote freely, beautifully and with confidence because i couldn’t.
and so writing became a negative thing to me, something that i subconsciously came to associate with the torrents of pain i felt when i went to it or as yet another deficiency of mine.
but that isnt true i found out just this morning as i contemplated this topic. people have always written throughout the ages. i have always written throughout the ages – from diary entries obsessively chronicling my days : driven slightly be the fear of losing the integrity of my self and experiences to the past to writing speeches for debates – usually heavily and thankfully edited by my respected coaches and finally typing out my feelings on this blog.
sure i write mostly when im distressed – but its not that i write only when i’m upset. it’s that i write when i feel deeply. and in moments when ive been stunned by people and life, i write too.
and its okay to not be able to write about any given thing at any given moment. thats not what writing is about.
writing to me, is for me – a process to heal. and for you – a way to help me reach out to you and help you, comfort you. but for now, i’m still too young to have much life advice to share with you. but someday i hope my writing will also be able to reach out to others with messages for others, about things outside of me.
till then, my respect for creative writers and those who strive towards it remains as immense as ever.
Acceptance is liberating but the path there is walking the long road of failure
but we’re all gonna make it so keep going step by painful leaded step