wrong time right person

you.

and i.

we’re ourselves.

and we aren’t a comparison to that ex

or to that literature text.

we aren’t a fantasy of a past re-written, hurt avoided, happiness perfected.

 

Advertisements

what i dont understand

is what i lost you to.

see, i didnt lose you to another girl,

i didn’t lose you to fickleness, ego, mood.

i lost you to fate and the past,

i lost you to the circumstance of your life and mine

to what made you chip and then our puzzle pieces couldn’t fit.

i dont need perfection, i dont need 100% attention.

all i needed was kind affection.

and

i

still

love,

you.

Early Night

Even sleeping was this uncomfortable feeling of wanting to talk to you, hold you and be with you.
Why arent you replying?
Sleep, why arent you answering my calls

Hubris

Aisht being a city person, i’ve realised our high stress comes from this will to perfection -so that train missed by a second, that single word unsaid and that single percentage difference between good and best becomes untrue shards of failure and annoyance with ourselves and others.

It’s quite a lot of self inflicted misery, really! I think its time to let go of things and ease up a little; have a little forgiveness for ourselves and our cities 😌

 

Stress is an expectation
anger, a punishment

Calculating life to non existent minutes
Reimaging reality- a naivete

Summoning the past to fore
Replaying that second of the decision
Tiny act, uncommensurate ripples
Hoping- no believing that your human capacity controls destiny

That all these things weren’t built into a larger system of
Causality
Collective consequence
A thousand different lines of lives
Rushing to a deafening convergence
Only to disperse a second later,
Gently webbing, edging around, weaving lives into its original state of chaos
unordered.
It was not meant to happen,
These patterns do not exist not even with our
Reimagining and reinvention of a past in which we thought they did.
Fate is a summation of all our present.

image

Love’s cruelty

Her cruel viciousness is

You knowing your worst fears are founded

You sinking into a disrepair and resignation to the reality

Tasteless bland without him,

Worst, torturous, empty -he doesnt care

And yet so eager for the flicker of happiness and hope to roar back into life

By a single text

A single line of dismissive nonchalance that

You read into another opportunity to feel him

He doesn’t care and love mocks you for how energised you are

How full you can be on so little

And you fear it.

image

* ps but that’s okay!

I tell myself. And everytime..Its better to have loved and lost than not loved, its better to love and feel than feign nonchalance and fuel your pride

A lingering sadness

I just hurt,
Hurt an empty open aching kind of hurt

For the kind of love you’d never give
Me.

And tears in this hollow hour,
mocked by
how, not even now
Am i feature to any of your thoughts
Love, what love?

image

Infatuations

‘ if love can be chemically induced does it matter if the lovers will do the dry cleaning anyways? the point The Effect ( A singaporean theatre production) makes is that there is a difference between infatuation and love. the former can be kindled by volatile chemicals made to react under controlled situations, but love requires steady hard work unfazed by personal catastrophe.’

– Akshita Nanda

 

Reading this extract after my week of self imposed separation from k—- has given me so so much peace and clarity regarding how i feel towards him.

I still love him, but maybe loving him as a friend and person is a happier, healthier love.

Its tough to walk away from someone and for anyone else who is doing it, trust me as long as you ride through at least a week of heart ache, withdrawal and sudden rushes of tenderness, you can have a clearer mind to either return and love the person even more after, or make the right choices for yourself and him.

 

🙂 all the best in your search for peace!

Hehehe and inline with supporting local writers, theatre, and singers,

here’s Spotify’s 2016 Spotlight artist Linying’s song which perfectly sums up my recent experiences

Linying performs Grime, a personal track about the preconceived feeling of doom towards a relationship

collapsing

i’m not even thinking straight anymore

why am i collapsing over fridge doors and shuddering in sobs at the snatches of memories.

why does this hurt so much

why?

image