Blindness

The blind leading the blind,

but better leading than waiting.

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Insomnia. Anxiety. Terrors

I am fear. I am the utter terror from growing up with a violent father. A violent father who is also a good father? Because he parents by caning by blowing up at us. Not abusive just whatever why are you being dramatic about this? Why do you only think about yourself and how bad your own life is -violent. Does that make you uncomfortable? That theres a part of me wrapped inside that is raw that is 8 year old trying to stand up to a yelling man face close to yours hand lifted to slap you hard. 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 happy 20th birthday. Why DO YOU. WHY DO YOU ONLY LIKE ME WHEN IM HAPPY WHAT ABOUT. What about the me that cries myself to sleep that stiffles my sobs so no one knows im crying. WHAT ABOUT. WHAT ABOUT my biggest fear – that deep down im addicted to my panic attacks? That somehow it feels safe because its familiar it feels so good. And i know parent child relationships arent perfect that forgiveness that parents go through shit that things are complex people are complex and i have much to be grateful for – the ‘love’ he has beneath it all? I need to be balanced and happy dont i want to be i dont truly want to be. What about nightmares? What about a deep childhood sense of fear.

birthday set up

it was the perfect set up

capitalism, the media, your friend’s Instagram, human unrealism told you today was going to be perfect

and then it was not

and then there was work

and then there was the hormones of your womanhood

wickedly pulling you into the depths

 

your legs don’t work. one of them is broken

your heart doesn’t work

emptied existentialist fears are coming back riding on the waves of work and afternoon heat

and you’re too tired to run. you can’t run.

you remember at 19 you’ll never run the way you did for the rest of life.

nothing works – what do people do on their birthdays?

 

Hold yourself accountable

Oh my god, I have forgotten

that I am not waiting.

Not lacking. I have everything inside to put myself back together.

So no, I don’t want anyone’s reassuring smile, anyone’s love that will lull me back into this crumbling.

I am perfectly okay. This life, this cool after-rain breeze,

this quiet evening I get to keep all for myself,

everyday, all of it, over and over again – for always.

I will fill my heart with evenings, with the peaceful expense of the sky, countless evenings.

They will pass into me.

And still I will be kind to others, to the world. Will not resent the evenings that I hug quietly

 

~~~

another shitty confessional ‘poem’ but girl I don’t care 🙂 I’ll write whatever I want to and be judged however I deserve to be.

Palettes

I want to look ridiculous

look fiercely independent,

a harsh streak of colour on the soft sunlit pastels of perfect girls

I want it to scream something is damaged,

something is mine

something is

this body, face, mistakes,

these wins. this heart.

they are all mine.

This sphere bleached chemical discolouration

tells you no one can love, crush your illusions for you – I’ll be my own antidote

not yours, not anyone’s.

 

 

Get Well Soon

There’s a fire in my limbs

it leaks out in rivulets

snakes south, twists past ravines of

3am thoughts turned second nature even when the sun is up.

Are aches just ghosts of what was once full flesh?

Or are they deadened receptors to the pain that still rears alive?

Hertz

Why do soft girls grow up?

Grow cold, grow freezing

from all the wet dripping down curves

Brief fever of opening –

body, heart, mind

and finally, eyes.

The last to go, the last to close

Seeing everything into reductions, into chemicals, into an impersonal.

Do these ears still listen to soft wishes?

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Wrapping Summer Up

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Travelling with these girls was definitely the highlight of summer. 🙂 it’s so easy when you have people you don’t have to try with. the friendship and laughter just flows. Doesn’t mean there wasn’t conflict though we did have small fights but I’m glad they got resolved ❤

Gonna carry this feeling of safety and peace in my heart for the rest of the sem. Here’s to a great semester! Hope you’ll have a great one too!

Breaks in the links

The most hurtful thing you could do was to agree with my own demons. 

Was to see the broken things i was saying to myself – things that hurt me to its very 3am core as the solution to my tears

Was to say to me killing all of which i am trying to desperately and brokenly love back as the antidote

you don’t even see that i’m killing me.

And i dont want your empathy

Not when ive to gain it with blunt explanations cheap things i can give to anyone. It sooner kill me than i will.

Ahahaha oh my gosh this was from so long ago!! I was pretty upset over it but in hindsight i was being silly. But sometimes people just need others to see the best in them to recover, to see the hope or to see nothing at all – nothing wrong – nothing that dooms them to their failures. Thats what hope is. 

Explanations

Just because you’ve lost rationality doesnt mean the truth disappears

Just because you’ve drowned your sorrows doesn’t mean you don’t cause them for others

Just because just because- you know. You do. 

Deep down you know that you’re responsible and you have to be 

Between Beats

My heart is in a turmoil, about to explode 

I know it means nothing

I know he means nothing – i mean nothing to him.

And yet the way you look at me as if you’re talking to me – you’re talking to me – but we’re surrounded by people

People

Endless people, prettier people, funnier people, better people

And i’m scared of the moment when you’d realise all of that and be disappointed with me, with yourself for caring at all

Why am i always in this situation? Why am I always so stupid?

!!!!!?
***** i need to stop this rubbish. Gonna stop giving a shit. I need to live authentically, live without fear without this unnecessary insecurity!! People are only insecure when they want something and are afraid they cant get it. But look!!! What is there to be afraid of?? And does feeling like you cant change the situation???? No!!!! So stop!!!

*** wrote this a while back but things have changed so much but i guess my feelings are still real and slowly fading but still there